Does he know I am gay?

Something really terrifying happened today. I know it won't sound like too big of a deal for the openly gay guys but I am sure the others will agree with me that it was not a good time. Anyway, I went to the gym and as usual was checking on this one guy who I always check on. He is interestingly always at the gym when I get there. I can see him looking at me every once in a while but I don't even know if he is gay. I'll tell you more about this guy later. So, while I was working out and harmlessly checking this guy out, I saw this other man who looked very familiar. He was the guy that I have been chatting online with. He has been trying to get me to show him my face but other than a 2 second instance he never was successful. All he saw all this time is my body on the cam and etc. But as I said he did see my face for 1 few seconds once a few months ago. Anyway, I was very sure that it was him. I for sure did not want him to recognize me so I jsut looked away and tried to act normally. He walked around a bit and clearly was very unsure about who I was. We had an eye contact once and I just looked away again. When he looked away for a bit, I just got up and left. I was so terrified that hew as going to come and ask me if I am the guy. Now I am afraid that he knows who I am and will start talking to other people. Have I told you I need serious therapy?

Now I Need to Talk

I am not working today which definitely doesn't feel as good as I thought it would. Why? Because all my friends are gone out of town and I don't have anyone to hang out with. This is a perfect time for me to go get a guy, have some crazy sex and act like nothing ever happened by next week. And for that reason, I went online to find a decent candidate for all this, and apparently gay society also puts everything on hold during thanksgiving week. I could not find anyone to chat with. Forget about having sex with, just to chat with :)) I guess it will be the gym week for me and you never know maybe I'll meet some hot guy from there but then again, that would be way too risky since I would have to see him everytime I go to the gym. Crap. What do I do? Please don't say "Dude, come out and you'll be fine". I think I would have already done that if I could anyway. I need another solution. Such as: Move to Europe and start a new life and etc. :))

Didn't Happen

Another lonely night passed by and I still could not get brave enough to meet with a guy in real life. I spite of how much I was encouraged especially after what turnip wrote as a comment on my "What to do tonight" post, I still ended up chatting with a guy online until midnight and fell asleep in bed. But instead I watched Family Guy and had a great dinner which wasn't that bad at all.

I am sure you are now questioning whether I ever had an actual sexual encounter with a man before. Let me answer that for you: Yes. I had. But it was with individuals who were in similar situations with me who pretty much perceived themselves as "curious straight men". I do have a few interesting stories on these few experiences I had but I'll write about them in a different post later.

What to do tonight?

I came home early today with the hopes that I might cook and rest a bit. Afterwards is the question mark. Do I want to finally meet this one man that I have been chatting online? I am not sure. Maybe I haven't told you yet but I have never met in real life with anyone I met online. I am just very scared that they will out me. I don't like saying this but I have to in order to explain this situation. I am a very good looking athletic man and I am afraid that whoever I end up meeting for a quickie will end up stalking me afterwards. I think I need therapy.

And Here Comes the Thanksgiving Week

I am quite excited about the thanksgiving week since I will be off for most of the week. I don't really have a family close by to celebrate Thanksgiving with but fortunately, I have a few friends who invited over for the day. One of those invitations came from a friend who is trying to hook up me with his sister. He thinks that I am a great guy and that he would be really happy if I and his sister were dating. One little detail that he does not know is that I think he is more attractive than his sister.

Back to my straight self

It's been a few days and I haven't been fooling around on any gay websites. It's like I am a straight guy again. I have been hanging out with many women, going out pretty much every night and I don't get how the hell people still don't get that there's something unusual about myself that I have not slept with any of those women. Or maybe they do. But they still are hitting aggressively on me. I gotta start banging one of them soon if I don't want gay rumors to start. I'll let y'all know if that ever happens.

Do I Even Like Sex?

It's one of those days today that I feel totally asexual. I am not even sure if I would like to have sex with a man or a woman. It feels like I don't want anything to do with any genders at this time. So I decided to watch Dancing with the Stars instead with Chinese take out. This feels a lot better than anything sexual.

Going out on a date with a girl !!

Yup, I am back to my straight side for the night and will be going on a date with a girl. I know that I will not be attracted to her but it's worth giving it a try. I will let you know on how it goes and how I will do my best to avoid anything sexual or emotional all night long. It is specifically difficult by the end of the night when the girl is wide open waiting for you to go to her place but all you want is to go home and sleep.

It's Late and I Need to Sleep

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My First Post

Am I gay or straight or what? This is the question I will ask myself constantly while writing about the ups and downs of my life due to this confusion. I am a 30 year old man who has lived a straight life for all these years with a hard to resist sexual drive for other men since I was a little boy. Coming from a very conservative family and group of friends, it was difficult to even question any of this in my head. I am one of the rare since even the men I slept with probably think I am straight. I'll tell you about how I achieve that later. In the meantime I had many girlfriends. They were all very beautiful and attractive, and I had sexual problems pretty much with all of them. Since I have always been a decent looking man, I always started my heterosexual relationships with the push of the women. I never had the drive that they had to be with them. But I did. At first, sex was alright, and then I started to lose erection within a few weeks. Let me tell you something about how that feels: Horrible.

Anyway, I write about my stories here on this blog and I hope that you (my potential readers) will enjoy my writings and contribute with your comments.

I'll see you in the next post within a few days.